a confession

I have a gripping confession to make.

Wheaton friends might doubt it; they might balk at it. Non-Christian friends might not understand it. I am only very slowly coming to terms with it.

But it is not something I was expecting:

I'm conservativising. Or, in other words: I'm become more conservative.

The thing is this: the shades of gray which exist within the strong Christian community of Wheaton simply do not exist outside the strictures of the Community Covenant. When you get away from the, "Covenant-abiding Christian," and "Covenant-breaking Christian," dichotomy and are faced with the delineation of, "Drug addicted rageaholic/alcoholic," and "Growing Christian," the issue of whether or not a beer falls within the lines of a true-pointing moral compass suddenly evaporates.

Within a community of faith - among brothers and sisters who focus first on Christ - there are things which can be treated as gray which are not gray at all in the "real world." And more and more, I realize the importance of Paul's summarized exhortation, "If what you do causes your brother or sister to stumble - STOP!" In the Christian community, our primary concern needs to be the spiritual well-being of our brother or sister in Christ, not our personal entitlement. This is hard for me to swallow sometimes - I'm fast to justify and work around the grayness of issues. But keeping the spiritual well-being of my brother's and sister's means that I'm going to have to start sacrificing things.

The other wrench thrown into the whole shebang is the issue of leadership. Again, Paul speaks truth when he says, "Be careful, because you know that those in leadership will be judged more harshly than others." I don't know enough of the passage to know whether he means before the throne of God (I hope not!) or before men, but whatever the literal case of the meaning is, the latter option is certainly truthful. I don't know how many times I've heard, "You're a pastor! You can't say that!" (not even bad things, just unexpected things!) Like I've written before - everyone has conceptions and expectations for what and how a pastor acts... and sometimes, I think it's alright to fit within those conceptual confines.

I do want to break free from the expectations of harsh judgment, though. I was told when I was trying to chat with a student: "You're just like everyone else! You're only going to tell me 'no!'" That's not how I want to be viewed, and I believe by the grace of God I'm moving away from that stereotype: I'm attracting a demographic at OTTS which usually doesn't come to 'churchy' type things. And they seem to like me, despite my ministerial calling. But at the same time, I am called to be an example of righteousness to them... and I don't always feel up to the task! So, to show love - to allow love to be the bedrock of every interaction, and yet still maintain order, discipline and a relative amount of safety - well, it's a balancing act.

All that to say, in summary: I could use your prayers. Especially as I watch myself become a little more conservative in what I say and act. When I'm inviting students to "receive Jesus," and they respond, after going to school at a Catholic institution, "You mean like in communion?" it's not easy for me to parse through the differences. I can explain what they mean at St. Francis, and the difference in what I mean as an Evangelical, but I can only do so in a "Wheaton Way," which certainly doesn't make much sense to most. Especially with Jr. Highers.

So pray for me.