the first

There's GOT to be something happening in my life. Really, it seems like everything's happening right now - new job, car, apartment... new friends, city. New life. But at the same time, everything seems to stand a little still.

It's not standing fully still. Fully still wouldn't be moving forward, and I am moving forward. But only stillishly.

I just graduated college. I'm 21. These are big - some of THE big - milestones in one's life. They certainly are big milestones in my life. But I feel like the biggest milestones, and then ones people often forget to mention, are the intangibles. The small, sometimes unnoticeable changes that happen slowly as you learn more about yourself and the world.

I would trade college graduation for a little more self confidence. Or a little more self assurance.

Stillness is looking back 6 years and feeling like the same man you were then. It's not that I haven't grown - it's just that I'm not finding I quickly take on those characteristics I thought would come naturally at 21... things like a strong self-presence. I still cringe around people I don't know, and I still feel inadequate.

By itself, stillishness can be fatal.

But stillishness isn't fatal as long as you use it to move forward.

And so I hope this is one of the strongest things I take into my next few years - my leg up, if you will. I know that this is how it often is. And knowing that can be one of the most important, and relieving things. I'll be dealing with youth who are still (or stillish). I'll be dealing with adults who are still (same). And many times, I'll be stillish. There cannot be guilt in stillishness... only the impetus to move forward with more strength, diligence and direction. Stillishness isn't the end of the world. Contentment with stillishness is.

So pray for me.